I adore my son!!
More Thoughts
So I’m 38 weeks 2 days pregnant. Had my 38 week appointment yesterday and am told the baby is very low. She had to dig her fingers right above my pubic bone just to find his little neck.
My tailbone has been aching consistently since my appointment. And my cramps still come and go. Man, I just want this baby out of me. I’m so done being pregnant! And waking up every 30 minutes in the night because of god knows why. And the false contractions that have been plaguing me for about 2 weeks now! Doctor said baby could come any time now. And I really hope that is true.
Its funny because I want him out so bad but I DON’T want a Valentines baby so I’m hoping that I don’t go into labour in the next 24 hours. As much as I’d love to. Ah pregnancy, you are so confusing.
And my facebook birth club, almost half have had their babies!! SO JEALOUS! So many cute little cherub faces I want to kiss all over. I want my baby! Get out baby please! But not tomorrow :)
OKAY time to eat something (without gagging/puking) and put on a movie and work on more of Rick’s Valentine’s gift :)
No Title
So its Monday and the first day my husband has had to go back to work in 2 weeks. I’ve been so spoiled getting to spend so much time with him! Now its back to working 6 days a week and me missing him dearly every day!!
I’m 33 weeks pregnant today. Its quite exciting when I think that in the next 7 weeks, I’ll be a mommy! I’m pretty excited to have our little dude here <3 We started his nursery this weekend and it looks AWESOME. So excited to finally have a place where I can nest! I just need some more energy. Though I have been sleeping pretty well for the last week which is a nice change from the horrid sleep that I have become accustomed to. I hope it doesn’t get too bad again because it was so bad.
Because we have been so busy the past few weeks, my poor kitties have gotten barely any cuddle/love time. So lets just say that Jack has been purring for 2 hours, climbing all over me and licking me and rubbing against me. I think he has missed his mommy :) Its so nice, I have missed his cuddles and love <3 My little fur babies <3 Willow was even being needy but Jack kinda pushed her out of the way. Awwwwww <333
2013 is going to be a good year. Once baby is here and I’ve healed a bit, I’m going to start working out and keeping eating well. Hopefully with breast feeding and eating well and not going back to old habits I’ll be able to drop a bunch of weight. That would be so nice. I’m tired of wanting to shank myself when I look in the mirror. And with my growing belly, its pushing fat in weird places and I feel super gross. So ahhhhh. Spring needs to come!!! I’m looking forward to going for long walks with my son (in his stroller obviously) and getting into shape and feeling really good about myself.
I hope to be the best wife I can be at the same time as being the best mommy I can be. I’ll be a stay at home mom for a few years so I want to make the most of it. I want my husband to be proud of me and want to show me off! Because every day he makes me so proud and I love him so dearly and I am the happiest I’ve been in a very long time.
In the past year, I’ve done a complete 180. We were talking about it last night and it really makes sense. I’ve over come so much and have finally been able to let the beki deep inside come free. Its a nice feeling.
Don’t get me wrong, I still have my days and I still struggle with depression and anxiety, especially not being medicated, but I’ve learned healthy and good ways to cope. I have so much to look forward to, life isn’t so scary anymore. I’m not afraid to live anymore. I have my best friend by my side for life and we are a really strong team. Nothing can shake our foundation and I’m so so sooo blessed to have such a wonderful person in my life. I’m looking forward to creating a happy childhood for our little one, giving him magical memories, taking him on road trips etc. So excited for him!! I hope I’m a good mommy and that I don’t fail him (or myself). Here’s to hoping!!
Anyways, I think I’m going to play some Nancy Drew or watch a movie or something. This is a relaxing and sleepy day for me so I might curl up with my little Jack and take a nap. Hmmm….
Christmas and update
Heeeeello everyone,
I’ve been so busy the past couple weeks because of Christmas and my dad has been visiting from Texas so I haven’t really had time to post so…
MERRY CHRISTMAS MY BEAUTIFUL FOLLWERS!!!
Today Rick and I made the 8 hour drive to his Mums in Quebec. Being 31 weeks, 5 days pregnant and having the cold from hell and running on about 4 hours of horrible sleep made for an exhausting and uncomfortable drive. I’m sitting in the bath trying to calm my restless legs. And there’s nothing I’m allowed to take for my cold without risking my baby’s health! So now on top of just being exhausted in general, I have a cold to fight off, too. Mahhhh.
But we are here for new years and I’m so excited to bring the new year in again with my gorgeous husband
The night Rick and I confessed our love to each other was a lot like this
Just wanted to say…
I ADORE MY HUSBAND <3
The end :)
Happy 25th Birthday to the man I love <3 This picture may be old but I love it anyways!
While being 24 you:
- ‘officially’ met me
- dated me
- married me
- traveled with me
- created a baby with me
- got a home with me
While being 25, you’re going to become a daddy!! <333
I love you so much darling, you are my world <3 I am so beyond blessed to have such a wonderful man in my life. I have never met someone as perfect as you. You are my best friend, my companion, my lover, my husband, my booger, my everything <3 My future looks so beautiful because you are in it <3 Our baby is so lucky to have a father like you!
Happiest of birthdays to my gorgeous man <3 I love youuuuu!!!
Thoughts
Somedays I wake up and look at my life and think “wow”. Because SOO much has changed. SO MUCH. Entirely everything.
Part of me is nostalgic for the past but part of me is so happy that is just that, the past. This is a little post about my journey. (okay it turned out pretty long, but read it!)
I remember being 17/18 and how my life was then. It was so different. And I had a huge amount of friends that I hung out with on a consistent basis. I was horribly depressed and hated myself, hated my life, hated breathing. I was desperate for a change, for anything to happen. I turned 19 and went to the UK for a month and it changed my life. I have never felt more at home than when I was in the UK. It was like all my problems fled away with the changing of time zones. I was free. And I loved every second. Which set me up for 2009.
It was the best year of my life (until 2012, actually). I returned home from the UK with fresh eyes, fresh lungs from skiing in the french Alps for a week, and a fresh look on life. I started dating my ex and things were going really well. I still saw my friends but not as often. My ex hated my other ex and because he was a part of my group of friends, I drifted from them. I didn’t mind, I was so happy and in love and everything was beautiful.
But you see, looking back, 2009 wrecked me. It made me into a person I wasn’t. I finally knew who I was in finding myself across the ocean. But when your boyfriend parties every weekend and smokes a lot of pot, you end up hanging with a crowd that you aren’t really down with. I began drinking. A LOT. And heavily and never in small amounts. I didn’t care, I was 19 and having an amazing summer. I was so proud of myself, going to school in the fall for photography, living out in Barrie, getting my feet on the ground. After a rough patch in high school from breakdowns, heartache (thank you Nick), hatred for myself and everything, I was so happy that I had actually graduated and that I was going back to school. College/University had seemed an unrealistic goal for so long but there I was, going back.
But what did I do? I let my anxieties get to me, destroy me, hold me hostage. And how did I “cope”? I drank. Copious amounts. Always drunk. Scaring my boyfriend, making hilarious memories (that aren’t so funny anymore), etc. I dropped out of school and moved home.
2010 became the bump on the log in which my life spiraled further down. After climbing so high and getting myself out of a bad place, I was quickly sliding back down. I didn’t think so at the time, I thought thats just how life was. Ups and downs. I mean, there are a lot of ups and downs, but my life became a constant down. I moved out of my house and into an apartment I could barely afford because my boyfriend was going to be moving in with me. We were going to ‘start our life’ together because thats the way things were going. That summer, again, we drank our lives away. I was a mess, but controlled mess. And that fall, he moved in and things were good (or what I perceived as good anyways). We drank almost every night, always getting buzzed and partying. We forgot how to talk, how to be ourselves, so lost in the drink.
He slacked in school, never went. I was so angry with him because his parents were giving him a free ride to school, this being his second time around and he was blowing it off. It frustrated me that I couldn’t get him to go to school. Our relationship became strained because I was in a really bad place and he wasn’t where he wanted to be either. And we drank more.
Come February 2011, he had to move out because he was broke, some how spent $10K in 4 months and couldn’t help pay rent. I was fine with it, I got my living space back and we could breathe. Our relationship got better, our drinking didn’t. I had to get out of the old bleak city. I went to Texas for 3 weeks to visit my dad to clear my head and warm my soul. I was frozen.
I came home hoping things would get better and they did, a little. I thought things were looking better. But I should have looked inside myself. I was completely miserable. I was drinking more than I was living. I was in a horrid rut, so deep I couldn’t pull myself out. I realized I had no friends to really help do it, either. I had lost them all. They didn’t care if I was having a bad time or not. They were gone and I was alone.
And I realized I was hallow. I had no idea who I was anymore or what my dreams, goals, passions where. My camera had collected dust and so had my mind.
He left me. Cried as he did it, telling me he loved me and didn’t want to but that we needed time to grow up. Sorry, “I” needed time. Him being a little boy didn’t matter. But he told me in the future we would be together, that he couldn’t imagine anyone else having his children, that he wanted me for life. And then he left.
I was broken but deep down knew that it needed to happen. We both had things we needed to sort out. I was prepared to work on things, get things on track. I had gained so much weight from inactivity, anti depressants, birth control and alcohol. I hated my body. So I joined the gym. First step to feeling better down.
But he went back to his ex. I was beyond livid. How could someone do that? 2 years and he goes back? To someone he had so much hatred for. Part of me was always scared he never got over her. But it angered me. Because I had to get over my ex and he couldn’t? Either way, he was back with her and I laughed. Men. Always go back to what they know. ‘Whatever,’ I thought. 2011 would be my year to find myself again.
But where did I find myself? The bottom of empty vodka bottles piling up around my apartment. I spent every cent I didn’t have on alcohol. I pulled a friend down with me and we were plastered several nights a week. I was so angry, so happy, so free. And it was this downward spiral that set my life straight, gave me this beautiful life I have now. Although to function in the morning, I had to have a couple shots of vodka and carry around it with me during the day to keep the shakes away, I was coping. No one knew. NO ONE. No one noticed my slurred words or my clumsiness. No one cared. And I didn’t care. I was blissfully drunk and immune to life. Just what I needed after 2 years of my life spent wasted, spiraling down into a dark hole.
August 6th I hit that bottom. After a heavy night of drinking, I got back to my building and some horrible things happened. Things I can’t remember. Things the police tell me isn’t my fault.
And I woke up. Sober. No more alcohol. And time to move. Time to find somewhere safe. My friend was hospitalized (reasons not related to alcohol). Time to fix myself, find myself, understand myself again. I worked SO HARD.
I started talking to Rick again, who I had talked to in June/July. We talked constantly, all the time, every day. We got to know each other very well. And through this, I found myself. I spent the days rediscovering the Beki that had been hidden and bruised. Abused and used. She was there, deep down there, waiting to be let out. And she blossomed. With my insurance money from August 6th, I was able to rebuy my camera that was so nicely stolen. Things were looking up. I had a cute little apartment in the beaches, I was talking to new people, finding myself again. All the while Rick and I kept talking. Talking talking talking. Neither of us were looking for a relationship so there was no pressure and no attempts to woo each other. We were completely ourselves. Raw and open, nothing to hide. We didn’t even meet in person until December. We were already so close by that time. Our friendship took off. 7 hours driving around a city talking was how we spent our first outing together. It was so natural. So beautiful.
We got together on December 18th, the same day my little sister went into hospital for the first time for her heart. Rick helped me through that because its so hard to know your 17 year old sister is laying in a hospital bed with a faulty heart and there’s NOTHING you can do to help her.
My life spun around. Everything was starting to shine. I knew who I was again. I had no friends, no one to share my joy with. I had made an ass out of myself in the summer so I understood. Friends come and go. But I was so proud of myself. I had healed, even partially, from August. My life was turning around. I had dreams and goals again.
By March, Rick and I were engaged. People might have thought it was fast and that we were absolutely out of our minds. But it wasn’t rushed. There’s a saying that says “When you know, you know”. I thought that was a bunch of shit. How could you EVER know? Really know. But I knew, and so did he. He was my other half, my missing pieces, and I his. We’re best friends and know how to communicate. We understand each other and respect each other. We know each other so well it can be scary. We can read each other like a book. We are one. Our futures weren’t happy without each other. We had fallen so deeply in love, loved each other so deeply. We wanted everything the same. Everything. And we wanted each other, forever.
We got married at city hall on May 31st this year. We wanted to do it right, so we got married before we lived together. We were planning on saving so we could have our “big wedding” on our one year anniversary (May 31st, 2013). Things change when you’re blessed so beautifully on your honey moon.
My life is beautiful. It’s scary sometimes to see how my life is going. I’m 22 and I’m married, my life has begun. I started school in April but some circumstances made me have to leave (at least for a while). I’m so excited for our beautiful life together. We are creating something so pure, so happy and lovely.
My husband is straight edge. No drinking, no drugs, no disgusting smoking. I knew that when I settled down, I wouldn’t want any of that. I’m really happy we both agree on all that. Our home is alcohol, drug, and smoking free. And full of love.
Part of me misses being 18 and the only real worries were if I was going to pass highschool or having friends fighting. Such easy problems. Money wasn’t ever an issue, real love wasn’t an issue. I was bitter, but I knew I was young and had a long time to find love, real true honest love. Being 18 was easy. Being 22 is easy. The inbetweens were hard. Growing up was hard. Battling those demons were so hard.
But look at me now!!! I’m really proud and happy about where I am. I’m sad that my old friends can’t see, don’t care to see. I became a monster. And now I’m not. I’m Beki and I’m damn proud of where I am.
(Source: topherisliketotallyawesome)
Tired
I am soo tired. And everyday is the same. I just want to feel better and not be so sick all the time. I go crazy having to be home all the time, yet every time I go out, I feel worse :( I just want to feel better already. I’m jealous of so many people :(
And I feel bad for my husband. He barely has a wife!! I’ve been trying to do better (it’s hard when everything makes you want to throw up) and I have days were I’m better. And he is happy. And then I get a really sick day and he’s sad again. It’s frustrating cause there’s not a whole lot I CAN do, ya know? I’ve been trying. I can’t be okay every day. And even those days I’m not fully okay.
Can’t the fall just get here already?? I’m dying. Don’t even get me started about my dread for August 6. Omg.
I’m gonna continue to try to sleep now. I wish my followers cared enough to talk to me. Boo.
ITS MY STREETCARRRRRRR. obligated to reblog whenever toronto is on my dash.
(Source: whitefappel)
Father’s Day
Well today was fathers day. Of course, I didn’t get to spend it with my dad because he lives down in Texas. I wanted to see my step dad but I didn’t get around to that, either. Luckily me and Rick are going over to have dinner this week to celebrate! I feel bad for him :(
I’ve had a good day with Rick :) Packed a bunch of shit from his old place, cleaned out a lot of garbage, had so many laughs! It was a lovely day :) Got pizza for dinner and have been watching Sweeny Todd. Next up is The Nightmare Before Christmas. These seem to be our 2 main videos recently! I think its the musical numbers hahah
Anyways, time to shower and get ready for bed and such! Much love :)
Just wanted to take a few minutes to write on here!!
I am doing super well and my life is beautiful :) my husband and I stayed up til 445 this morning watching Sweeney Todd and then The Nightmare Before Christmas, all the while colouring. I’ve missed him so badly! We spend everyday together, naturally, but sometimes it doesn’t feel like enough! We have been busy and such and we haven’t had a lot of quality time so we are trying to make up for it!
Can I just say I have the most wonderful man in the world? Because I do. He is absolutely amazing. He has been through hell and back, he came from such a shitty childhood, drug addict parents and all. I am so proud of everything he has accomplished in his life. Getting out of Maniwaki was the est thing he ever did. He worked his ASS off to get where he is today. He owns his own sport car and can afford all his bills plus extra, he finished hichschool, created a music program that is taught in Quebec. He grew up to be such a wonderful young man, stronger than any person I know. He’s straight edge because he saw where his life was headed and said enough is enough! He is so inspiring to me every single day and I hope I can show him how wonderful he truly is. He is the funniest man I know, always makes me laugh. We are two pees in a pod, bestest of friends :) we have fought all the same demons, we understand each other so well, we think the same and rationalize things to same. He’s my other half, my soul mate.
I have no idea how I got SOO lucky, no idea at all, but I am so thankful every single day for him. I can’t believe he loves me just the same!! Truly blessed :) he is my champion and my gorgeous man!!
I love you Rick!!!
Love
I’m tired but I wanted to say my life is beautiful. I have the most wonderful and supportive husband/best friend as mine :) we spend our nights cuddling and laughing and talking and watching movies. I make him dinner :) he treats me like gold and loves me so much :) this is true love. It comes naturally. You shouldn’t have to make someone fit for you just because you ‘love’ them. You don’t know what love is. It is the most beautiful thing in the world. I thought I knew what love was before. But that was tiny in comparison. I feel bad for people hanging on to what they know because they think it’s love and will last. I feel so blessed to have found this MAN ! He makes me proud every day and I cherish him. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me.
I’m gonna write more tomorrow, my mind is tired but I just wanted to write some love out. Rick is keeping me super warm! Leave me love and asks :)
220am
Soo in 8 hours, I’ll be married!!! What a crazy thought!!
I have no idea how I’m gonna sleep. I have so much to do in the morning before I go! Oy vey! But I’m extremely excited :)
Missing my booger tonight though :( I can never sleep well without him. Sucks, but as of tmrw, we get to spend every night together :) ha, even though we have been doing so :p
Okay, time to try to sleep! I’m dying!
